After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
