you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
