We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
