someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
