Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
