They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
