can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
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I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
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I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
i've created a new STD.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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