I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
