Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
