Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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