Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
