dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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