I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
