My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
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shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
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I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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