dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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