Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
