May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
