Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
