I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
