Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
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In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
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My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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