There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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