lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Someone stole a lamp last night.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
