Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
