I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
