Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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