i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
