Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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