i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
