Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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