I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
FUCK WHALES
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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