I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
