you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize