If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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