Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
