I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He passed out mid-signature
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
