I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize