Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
