theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
we're so committed to being not committed
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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