I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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