Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
