I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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