Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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