I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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