The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Watching her eat just hurts me
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
