Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
