only you would photoshop your dick
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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