i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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