he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
