You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
