If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
