I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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