I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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