Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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