pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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