It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Randomize
