don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
