How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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